In the early days of this month, I cried my eyes out because I was frustrated. I was frustrated because I was blamed, blamed for getting the help I really needed. I ended up depressed.
In my depressed state of mind I kept thinking, thinking of how it was all my fault, blaming myself and my family for everything that I was going through (before that time, I used to fight against the blame game but this time I gave in). I just wanted everything to end, I wished life could just stop being hurtful.
It was on one of such nights that I got a call from Junior, he heard the way my voice sounded and pestered me to talk to him, amidst tears I told him “everything” people had said to me because of the fund raising that took place on Facebook in an attempt to save my eyes. He asked me to stop crying but I didn’t, I couldn’t.
Few minutes later, I got a message from him on messenger and for the first time since it all started, I smiled truly. I screenshoted the message and shared on my social media platforms except facebook (the hate was coming from there and I didn’t need them to be aware that I was getting over it).
I read this seven lines over and over again and decided I was not going to throw in the towel, not yet, not ever. You’ve got to believe me when I say it wasn’t just my lines that lifted my spirits, it was more of Junior’s words “I didn’t give up because of this”, I thought of how sad it would be to give up when my words have stopped someone out there from giving up. So, I didn’t.
That was just one of the many times that I have been depressed. Several times in the past, I had thought about suicide, thought of killing myself, taking my life. Yes I have, but somehow, I am still standing.
When I first dropped out of school, I felt so terrible but it wasn’t until I couldn’t get back into a higher institution as fast as I had previously thought that I started feeling horrible.
Students in junior classes as at the time I graduated from secondary school started gaining admission into higher institutions around the country and I kept running into them or hearing about them from one source or the other. It was disheartening for me. I cried morning, afternoon, evening and night. There was always a lump in my throat, a burden on my chest and tears in my eyes. I felt miserable.
One time I called a Doctor friend of mine, a Psychiatrist precisely, and asked him for the best way to kill one’s self. He invited me over and we had this heart to heart talk that saved my life. He knew that the only reason I was yet to get the tattoos I so much desire was because I hated pain, so he asked me of the options I was contemplating and asked what I would do if my plan wasn’t successful. The thought of getting into a worse condition freaked me out because then I only saw myself jumping down a tall building, jumping in front of a moving vehicle or jumping out of one. He talked to me and for a long time, he kept checking on me. He saved me.
Several times I have read comments on suicide posts or suicidal thoughts and I read people say suicide is not an option. Fvck! To the one who has run out of options, suicide is most times the only option. I personally think people need to keep quiet on issues they know nothing about.
People go through stuffs and all you can think of is blame them, not encourage them, not support them. Yet, when they take their lives, you run your mouth and blame them again? You know, you should ask yourself, what you did for that person and how you contributed to make their lives better before saying rubbish about them.
Many people campaign against Suicide but will mock and bully people to the extent of taking their lives. I mean, it’s pure madness to think you or anyone else can dictate how a person should live their life, what they should eat or wear, how they should look or talk, who they should or shouldn’t be with because when they do they eventually get tired, tired of pleasing people, tired of running away from themselves and because the road that leads them back to themselves are in pitiful conditions, they end up taking shortcuts. Not every one is strong enough to walk the road that leads them back to where they first lost it, not everyone even knows when, where and how they lost it.
Once again I’m telling you, in case you don’t already know, everybody is going through stuffs, some people give in at ninety percent, some don’t even get there, they drop at five, ten, fifteen etc. You have no right whatsoever to accuse a person of suicide. You have no reason to blame them but you can change the way you see the world and people in it.
Academics depresses some people, for some it’s health issues, for others, it’s emotional or financial issues, for some their pasts have just come to haunt them, and for others it’s a combination of many issues. People smile and act like they’ve got it all together but inside they are seeking escape routes, they are running from different things.
If you can’t be a safe haven for people to run to, shut the fvck up! Live your life and let others live. Don’t make life hard on people, don’t complicate already complicated situations. Just do your thing, and don’t mess with other people’s lives because when you put deep pressure on people and they end up depressed, you are no better than those who take the life of others.
Once again, thanks to Jr Keem Tunde for sending back those words at the time I needed them most.
I love you all. I hope we all get to make the world a better place.